Soco Red Head Kamikaze Sluts? Sure, I'll take 100...

When the Mercoledi division got called out in this space a couple weeks ago some people were unsure how they would respond. Well, last week those people got their answer when upwards of 100 shots were ordered at the downstairs bar at Pour House. We thank certain people for that, and of course we have other people to thank. It's certainly the first time since I've had a liver that we've reached the Century Mark. Apparently issuing a personal challenge between teams can be a bonding moment AND a buzz instigator. As proof to the unlucky few who weren't there to witness one division's attempt to serve the other, here's a copy of the tab that covers most of it. Bully.

Tony Robbins offers tips for psyching out your opponents in the playoffs

I'm really tall, handsome, and have extremely large hands and feet and I made thirty million dollars last year speaking to people about personal empowerment. How is that possible? It’s because I’m so empowerful! I know you guys have the playoffs coming up next week, so pay attention. Don’t think of me as an obscenely wealthy, physically imposing man, and certainly don’t think of me as a friend. And please, stop thinking about how large my genitals must be. I’m your peak performance coach so let’s try to stay focused on the playoffs and how you, with some tips from me, can dominate at Garfield Park and take home first place, and after some drinks at the bar, a DC Bocce Leaguer that you are attracted to.

Bocce, especially playoff bocce, is 100% mental. When you are fully empowered, you don’t even need to pick up the ball. You can just stare into your opponent’s eyes and they will melt. They will go from being an ice cold refreshing full can of Miller Lite to a fully consumed and properly crushed and disposed of can. Or you can make them run away with their tails between their legs by rapping in their faces. Ever see 8 Mile? My boy B-Rabbit was at peak performance. That young man was empowered.

Last week a “fitness celebrity” tried to tell you about how physical bocce is. Here’s a little something he forgot to tell you: I routinely beat his fitness celebrity ass in bocce, and tea-bag him afterwards, just to rub it in, in a physical way that he can relate to. Sometimes at the courts in “fc” JB’s gym I’ll get right up in his grill and just start freestyling. If he was in front of me right now, I’d be up in his face just spittin’ fiery rhymes at him like this:

Fi-fo-fum-fee, In front of me, could it be?
The feathered hair of a fitness celebrity?
You’re on my mailing list, you want to be me, you watch me
Own all my self-help videos on betamax, vhs, and dvd
What made you think you could bocce?
Your technique is sloppy
Your red balls scattered all around DC
While my green balls all go to the pallino like a bocce bukakki
You best get down on one knee
Check out my style, see if you can copy

Droppin' green balls on the pallino while you gape
You're not even close, put away the measuring tape
No number of front raises will get you into bocce shape
I walk down the Pour House stairs wearing my superman cape
5th try to flip your cup, you’re starting to slip up.
Second Peroni making you start to hiccup
16-0 losing score sheet you try to rip it up
Stop talking girls up and turn around and pull your zipper up

And that’s when John Basedow starts crying like a little girl and walks home to his fitness celebrity momma. My message to you, DC Bocce playoffs participant, is to remember that winning in the playoffs is all about psyching your opponent out.

Bocce Ball Beer Soccer (Rooftop)

There's nothing like waking up after 8 hours of partying in the clothes you passed out in, skipping breakfast, and returning to the scene of the crime to polish off the flat, warm beer that's left in the keg. It's a big plus if you can get a couple friends to lend a hand, and a HUGE plus if a dozen people are willing to fall on the grenade with you. With a dedicated group like that you could brainstorm new and creative ways to imbibe a tasty Solo cup of Busch Light. And if you have the foresight to bring nerf-ish bocce balls you could end up with this:



Of course, you have to be ready for the warm beer stink that follows. You can see more of what we now refer to as "Rooftop Bocce Ball Beer Soccer" you can check out the other drunken videos here.

The pleasure's all on this side of the table, trust me

The League would like to congratulate team "Blazing Sweetness" from Tuesday and team "Bocce 5-0" from Wednesday for their win in the flair-off.

And a shout goes out to the second place finishers from both days, "Horizontal Bump" and "Puttanas", along with all the other teams that went as far out as they could to be noticed without risking embarrassment while walking the Hill. We really appreciate the turn out, and don't forget that superlative voting is next week so there's still a chance that your dedication to flair will pay off. We hope the winning teams have great weather for the Nats games and with a few more weeks of bocce to be played we're looking forward to the ticket giveaways to come.

Look at my Fist Pump!

I just fist pumped followed by finger point on the same hand! Wait a moment, that’s right and I now closed it down with some head nods. The artistry and sweetness of that move can only be rivaled by Irina Dvorovenko with an electric guitar that shots lasers. Now I just killed some leftover Chinese food and slammed my chop sticks on my desk. You want to know why? Because I love Orange Chicken and I am finished! God, today is going to be all about high fives. I can feel it, and it feels so right. Everyone is going to so happy when they see my extended hand above my head and they’re going to be so pissed after they realize how hard I high five. I’ll respond with “Yes!” or “Deal with it!” I swear to god, no one better leave me hanging. The FedEx guy is heading toward the office; he better be ready for this!

I can’t wait till next Tuesday! Blazing Sweetness is going to crush bocce and crush Miller Lights, and crush the cans shortly thereafter. I’m huge fan of Solo Cups. I’m crushing some water in a Solo Cup right now! I am going to say something inappropriate next Tuesday and someone is going to get upset. I’ll respond with “Yes!” or “Deal with it!” Man, where is that FedEx guy; he is going to want some of this!

I’m going to high five so much next Tuesday! And hugs, because high fives might not be enough. My team is going to hug after throws and after crushing beers. Extra long hugs for the girls because they’re all sensitive and stuff; maybe they’ll cry! Everything I say will be so non sequitur. Like what’s up with this blog entry?! Everyone is going to think I’m crazy. I’ll respond with “Yes!” or “Deal with it!” I’m pumped because Blazing Sweetness killed in the flair last Tuesday. How do you beat that picture? That picture is making me so pumped. We are so freaking Flairvolicious! I’m going make the FedEx guy look at this picture; it’s so on right now!

Blazing Sweetness is at five hundo for the season right now and we’re slapping high fivos for that! Next Tuesday it's anybody's game; I can’t wait. All I know is I’m going to start my morning with Fruity Pebbles Cereal and end my evening with chicken fingers I won’t like at the Poor House. I’m so freaking pumped right now! I’m going to call FedEx guy champ and ask him to join Blazing Sweetness!

Bocce Injury Prevention With Fitness Celebrity John Basedow

...and grrrrunnnnnt and two and grrrrunnnnnt and three and-- Oh, hi there. I'm fitness celebrity John Basedow. People always come up to me and say "Hey John, do fitness celebrities ever just like to take it easy? Don't you ever just want to be a regular celebrity instead of a fitness celebrity?" And to that I say yes and no. No, I was born to be a fitness celebrity, but yes, even fitness celebrities like leisure activities and for me, bocce is the only at-ease game that engorges my pectorals, as they say. While strict adherence to my walking-around-shirtless-everywhere policy prevents me from participating in the world-famous DC Bocce League, I try to end the long HARD days at the celebrity-filled gymnasiums where I provide celebrity fitness instruction to celebrities by playing bocce with some of my closest celebrity friends at our private courts.

Bocce is a highly pleasing activity, but it's not all fun and games. One common misconception about bocce is that it's 99% mental. NOT true. Bocce is only 50% mental, leaving the other 50% to my favorite part: physical. Without the proper strength training and stretching, you can get seriously injured. The DC Bocce season is a long and grueling one, so here are some strength and stretching exercises that will help you make it through the end of year tournament without breaking down physically:

FRONT RAISE















Ever stare in envy as a bocce player makes a big palm-down toss, leaving a nice backspin on the ball as it softly lands and cruises in towards the pallina? Not me and it's not because I'm a celebrity who doesn't appreciate good form. It's because I am careful to make sure I get my front raises in. This is the fun-duh-mental bocce motion. I love doing front raises because I love to dominate in bocce! ARRAAGH!

LATERAL RAISE, SHOULDER PRESS














This is a strength building exercise that will help your celebration motions. Bocce is 50% mental, but if you can use your physicality to intimidate your opponent with celebrations, that's worth at least 100% if not 150%. Of something, at least in my calculator. Front raises and shoulder presses are favorites of the six-armed, two-headed, often six beer holding bocce dominatrix shown below.

















PELVIC THRUSTS





















Pelvic thrusts are so important in bocce. When you step on the court, there is no way to know which way the ball is going to roll, but you can go through the preparation to make sure you know how your pelvis will respond in case you find yourself in a thrust-worthy situation. Let 'em know with confidence by practicing your thrusts. And remember: proper technique is to keep those shoulders on the ground and push that crotch up towards the sky.


ADVANCED STRETCHES
















The morning after a night involving few Miller Lites or Peronis at the Pour House, I often find myself needing to defecate out of my fitness celebrity ass. And sometimes I don't have the energy to get up afterwards. While waiting for a fitness pseudo-celebrity to bring me some nutritious superfoods giving me the energy to get up and go back to the gym, I need to make sure I'm especially limber. That's why I spend an hour per day on this stretch, which allows me to poop and sleep at the same time, maximizing my time.

Well, that's all the time we have today. I'll leave you with this piece of advice that I thought of for life in general but just now adapted to bocce:

“Bocce in your authority” and if you have no authority, bocce in someone else’s until you get some.

Wanna Win Nationals Tickets?

Your commissioners have been racking their brains trying to come up with ways to give away Nationals baseball tickets this season, and the end result always seems to be either Flip Cup for the tickets or “pick a number between 1 and 10”. Not being the most creative types we’ve borrowed from a superlative category to give them away next week: Best Flair.

We’re not expecting a full 37 pieces, but if you want to win you’re going to have to bring your A game. And if you impress enough people this might help you take home a DC Bocce superlative award and one of our super secretive prizes at the End-of-Season Party. We’ve seen both divisions dabble a bit with chotchkies this season from the festive shirts, custom visors, aviators, personalized beverages, celebrity appearances, giant wieners, to just saying “Aloha!”, but now it’s time to get over the hump and compete with seasons past: There was the human pyramid, the Peroni monument, the gimpy shout out, Porky pirates, Jem, and getting tattooed at Pour House. Point is, we’ve gotta see more than a Panama Jack impersonation to hand these tickets over.

We’ve got 4 tickets for the Tuesday winner and 4 tickets for the Wednesday winner, and all you have to do is impress these fine people (plus Kat, Lauren, and Jamie). Challenge delivered.