I'm really tall, handsome, and have extremely large hands and feet and I made thirty million dollars last year speaking to people about personal empowerment. How is that possible? It’s because I’m so empowerful! I know you guys have the playoffs coming up next week, so pay attention. Don’t think of me as an obscenely wealthy, physically imposing man, and certainly don’t think of me as a friend. And please, stop thinking about how large my genitals must be. I’m your peak performance coach so let’s try to stay focused on the playoffs and how you, with some tips from me, can dominate at Garfield Park and take home first place, and after some drinks at the bar, a DC Bocce Leaguer that you are attracted to.
Bocce, especially playoff bocce, is 100% mental. When you are fully empowered, you don’t even need to pick up the ball. You can just stare into your opponent’s eyes and they will melt. They will go from being an ice cold refreshing full can of Miller Lite to a fully consumed and properly crushed and disposed of can. Or you can make them run away with their tails between their legs by rapping in their faces. Ever see 8 Mile? My boy B-Rabbit was at peak performance. That young man was empowered.
Last week a “fitness celebrity” tried to tell you about how physical bocce is. Here’s a little something he forgot to tell you: I routinely beat his fitness celebrity ass in bocce, and tea-bag him afterwards, just to rub it in, in a physical way that he can relate to. Sometimes at the courts in “fc” JB’s gym I’ll get right up in his grill and just start freestyling. If he was in front of me right now, I’d be up in his face just spittin’ fiery rhymes at him like this:
Fi-fo-fum-fee, In front of me, could it be?
The feathered hair of a fitness celebrity?
You’re on my mailing list, you want to be me, you watch me
Own all my self-help videos on betamax, vhs, and dvd
What made you think you could bocce?
Your technique is sloppy
Your red balls scattered all around DC
While my green balls all go to the pallino like a bocce bukakki
You best get down on one knee
Check out my style, see if you can copy
Droppin' green balls on the pallino while you gape
You're not even close, put away the measuring tape
No number of front raises will get you into bocce shape
I walk down the Pour House stairs wearing my superman cape
5th try to flip your cup, you’re starting to slip up.
Second Peroni making you start to hiccup
16-0 losing score sheet you try to rip it up
Stop talking girls up and turn around and pull your zipper up
And that’s when John Basedow starts crying like a little girl and walks home to his fitness celebrity momma. My message to you, DC Bocce playoffs participant, is to remember that winning in the playoffs is all about psyching your opponent out.
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