The Greatest and Best Week 2 Recap in the World

Measure THIS!

People who think winning isn't everything have probably never won anything. The Greatest and Best Team in the World knows only winning. That's why we employ a number of strategic strategies on and off the field to ensure victory. During bocce matches, for instance, we stay alert and energized by drinking nutrient-filled protein shakes like in the blue cups above. Clinical trials have demonstrated that this tasty, all-natural beverage improves hand-eye coordination, reaction times, decision-making, and visual acuity.

In our Week 2 match against the 419 Allstars, we utilized our heightened vision and improved judgment to identify close calls that would normally go unnoticed by the standard eye. By requesting official timeouts for measurement in virtually every frame (see pictures), we earned several extra points while disrupting our opponent's momentum. This proved a most effective strategy, as both teams battled to a 14-14 tie in the waining lights of dusk. Of course, this also resulted in the largest number of single game measurements in the history of the DC Bocce League; a feat so remarkable that we failed to consider how sharing our special beverage with the 419 Allstars might negate the advantage it provided for us.

In the end, the 419 Allstars' thirst for victory was just strong enough to propel them to a 16-14 win. They may have won the bocce game, but we'll see who is celebrating when the horse laxatives we added to their beverages begin to work their magic.

Tale of the Turn-Around Kids

Some of you may remember us last year as The Bocce Ball Bangers (a tragically lame name that was part of the reason we ousted last season’s captain!!). We were a rag-tag group…a team of six…3 friends from college, 1 individual who needed a team and 2 mystery individuals who never showed up (I think the name scared them off)!!

Most of the members of BBB had never even seen bocce, much less played the game, so we had very modest hopes for our season and early on adopted the motto, “We’re here for the beer.” As the season progressed, we learned that the only winning we could do was on the flip cup table!!

Week 1 brought our first loss, to Fierce – still one of our favorite teams who sadly, did not rejoin for the Summer Season. We blamed the loss on our sobriety – although we had heard the stories, being first-timers, we played it safe (aka stupid) and didn’t bring any liquid refreshment with us.

Weeks 2-5 provided the same disastrous results. And we managed to disprove our theory of sobriety as apparently consuming a case of Miller Lite did NOT improve our play. However, in the true spirit of bocce we met some more great teams, created our trademark celebratory high-five and continued to perfect our mid-week alcoholism.

Going into Week 6 we were a team divided…some of us were dejected at the high probability of a winless season, while others of us preferred to go bocce-balls-to-the-wall and perfect the art of losing. After all…everyone makes the playoffs!!

Aaaahhh…the playoffs…the holy grail of bocce…the playing field is leveled and everyone is back to 0-0. The fact that we finished dead last in the standings with record of 0-6 and a -45 point ratio no longer mattered. We were in it to win it!!

But, as the bocce gods would have it, our first (and only) opponents in the playoffs were our old buddies from Fierce who beat us in Week 1. I’d like to say we put up a fight…that Rocky beat Apollo Creed…that David slew Goliath…but alas, our story was not to end that way. Despite our valiant efforts, we succumbed to Fierce and the Hill of Death that our course was set up on.

Now…here we are in our second season…revamped and ready to go!! We’ve got a new name (Life’s a Be-Occe) and after a front-office shake-up, we’ve got a new Captain and some new players. We’ve even gone so far as to add a Social Chair and a Team Manager to our roster. And, so far, it seems to be working…we were the last team to finish playing in Week 1, ending just before the skies broke open and poured, but WE WON!!!!!

So, I don’t want to jinx things, but damn…winning feels GOOD!! Here’s to hoping that this wasn’t a fluke and that the kelly green kids will have more to celebrate this Wednesday night. But…win or lose…we’ll see you at the Pour House!!!

A Problem You Want to Have. A Team You do not Want to Play

A priapism is a persistent erection of the penis that lasts for four hours or often much longer (giggity). Although this is so obviously a good and desirable thing to have, apparently some people (doctors) don’t agree. But there are many brave men and women out there who have, rightfully so, chosen altogether to ignore any and all of these “scientific” reasons. It is very simple, folks. If a man gave you a million dollars, and told you that you had only half a day to spend it, would you give it back claiming you did not want to use it if you were going to lose it? Absolutely not. So why do so many men out there make the decision to throw in the towel and seek “medical attention” when it is finally their moment to shine? Having been begged for years to perform beyond their human capability, a drug has finally endowed them with a phenomenal gift and they just throw it away?

I know what you are thinking, and we too are disgusted by these people who refuse to take advantage of this drug-enduced colossal stiff. So it is both in the spirit of those who have persevered, and in vain and sorrowful demonstration against those who have given in, that we come to the courts. It is that strength and will to push on when times are tough that is alive in our team today. A wise man once said “when life hands you lemons, make lemonade”. Indeed, when life gives you a 4+ hour erection, get after it soldier, and don’t stop till the cows come home.

Priapism Shmiapism (The Blue Team, just like your favorite pill)

The Unabridged Story of the DC Clap

THE EARLY DAYS…Circa 1998

Jim Haggerty (DC Clap + Hot Lunch '06-'07) and Tim Naylor (DC Clap + Hot Lunch '06-'07) ran the lifeguard staff of a small swim club in suburban New Jersey called Sunnybrook. It was at this swim club where countless hours of bocce and horseshoes were played 7 days a week (Former Hot lunch '06-'07 teammate Ben Detofsky was also an employee of this fine establishment). The following summer Jim and Tim signed up for the local bocce league in New Jersey at the ripe age of 17... the next youngest player was over 60 years old. The two Irish boys squared off week in and week out against Vinnie's, Sal's, Tony's, and Frankie's, while they sipped Chianti in the parking lot we shotgunned cans of Keystone light. Fortunately the older gentleman liked our style and our balls and they took the time to teach us the game and it never left us.

THE HOT LUNCH ERA… Fast Forward to 2006

Jimmy has recently graduated Catholic University while Tim finished his degree from GW. They both learn of the DC Bocce league that is forming and combine groups of friends to form what would be known as the Hot Lunch. Hot lunch was also known throughout the league as the crown royal team, we could be spotted in our purple polo at the bar and the fields. Crown Royal donated the polo’s (See picture) after multiple calls and letters that detailed our love for their tasty beverage as well as the marketing exposure that DC Bocce Provides.

Hot lunch had an incredible run spread across three seasons, every year making pushes deep into the playoffs while maintaining top 10 status during the regular season.

Hot Lunch was consistently the loudest team in Garfield park and one year earned the award for the most social team. The money was donated to the rebuilding of Eastern Market, the proximity of the market to the parks and our love for fresh vegetables inspired the act and we are excited to see the market stand tall once again. Hot lunch also had it’s own internal award system, the voting for which can be found at http://freeonlinesurveys.com/rendersurvey.asp?sid=2ehtbqb47wmynt9307604.

In our final season Hot Lunch found what can only be described as the single greatest song ever written about the District of Columbia. If you’ve never had the good fortune to play us in a match you may not be aware of the DC Clap so please take a moment to follow this link and rep your city http://youtube.com/watch?v=li8nUG_l6JA. After losing 2 players from the DC area and having the remaining 4 split between Tuesday and Wednesday night in our return for the ’08 season we made the executive decision to change our name over to DC’s #1 anthem.

THE DC CLAP… Not just an STD

When DC Clap spun off from the Lunch we were fortunate to have two other experienced rollers available in free agency. Jon Zackey (Parrothead Pinseekers ’07) and DJ Saul (Parrothead Pinseekers ‘07) were introduced to the league through Hot Lunch (Porky Piggers ’07 were also a HL recruited team). After a great showing in their inaugural year we knew that they were exactly the type of players that would embody the DC Clap and the boost we would need to win our first championship. We held tryouts for the remaining two spots on the squad and could not be happier with the results. In our first week rookie Jack Gaynor won “pallina of the game” and Adam Cable showed incredible potential.

NEW NAME = NEW LOOK

Because we are a team committed to the community (see Eastern Market donation above), we focused our sponsorship search on organizations that share our passion for the district. We are pleased to announce the landmark Ben’s chili bowl agreed to a partnership and provided the CLAP with Ben’s chili bowl T-shirts (See below with SPACEBONK, INC) as well as funded the purchase of their logo screen printed on the league shirts.

The Greatest and Best Week 1 Recap in the World

Smoked Salmon

Fact: The only thing better than eating salmon for breakfast is eating salmon-colored, Sweet Italian Balls for dinner.

In Week 1 of the Summer DC Bocce League, The Greatest and the Best Team in the World feasted on their salmon-colored opponent in a 16-7 shlacking for the ages. Ripe with clutch bocce maneuvers and a good o' fashioned 4-Bomb, this victory was a critical first step toward our goal of an undefeated season; indeed, few teams in bocce history have ever lost the opening match and still managed to go undefeated.

Now, we are more confident than ever, having equaled our longest winning streak of the season and added another player nickname in the process. Pending security clearance, urine test, and full physical, the addition of The Closer brings us one step closer to completing our Nickname Circle of Friendship. And, in the end, friendship is the reason we play the game. Well, friendship and winning. But really just winning.

A Betrayal That Only Julius Caesar Could Understand

Every religion has their story of creation. To the men and women of "Et tu Bocce," the game of bocce is their religion, Garfield Park their chapel, and the pallina their chalice. Like other origin stories, the formation of "Et tu Bocce" is one of victory and defeat, loyalty and deceit, bud light and miller lite.

In the beginning there was a team called "Blazing Sweetness." The Judeo-Christian origin gives us the creation of the world in six days, with the Lord resting on the seventh. The director's cut of the Bible tells us that although God was resting on the seventh day, he still allowed himself to daydream. What do all-powerful omnipotent deities daydream of you ask? Bocce teams, that's what. Now I will not claim "Blazing Sweetness" was the ultimate team in God's mind on that seventh day as that would be heresy, but it was close. The only thing missing was a monkey and Jennifer Grey (pre nose job) ... apparently the Lord is a huge fan of Dirty Dancing and everyone loves monkeys.

"Blazing Sweetness" was the ultimate melting pot. Most on the team were only acquaintances or had never met before the season started. At first, times were rough and morale low. But then a team member showed up with a boom box and through a three minute montage to Joe Esposito's "You're the Best" the team came together to learn to play bocce and also became the best of friends. From then on, the season was a myriad of overflowing high fives, beaming smiles, and a dominating show of flair.

All good things must come to an end and such was the case of Blazing Sweetness. The captain of "Blazing Sweetness," in an act of treachery reminiscent of Brutus, Judas, and Peter Pettigrew decided to form and captain a new team squelching the fire that was "Blazing Sweetness." We had heard there might be a new team and some of our team members might go over to it but when confronted with the fact that our leader was among the departed, crushed, all we could say was Et tu,[Captain's Name]. We do not utter his name after this betrayal. To create a new name for the newly formed team we have taken the statement made at his time of betrayal and filled in his unspeakable name with what really matters, bocce. Thus, like a phoenix reborn from his ashes, "Et tu Bocce" was launched from the smoldering remains of "Blazing Sweetness."

"Et tu Bocce" is already shaping up to be twice the team "Blazing Sweetness" ever was. We have replaced the outdated high five with the fist bump complete with explosions for special occasions. Our departed members have been replaced with much more attractive counterparts. Finally, we are working on a plan to rent some monkeys and get Jennifer Grey to make an appearance to create the bocce team God always dreamed of. Jennifer Grey was surprisingly easy to secure but the monkeys may be more difficult. We will keep you all in the loop.

IMPOSTERS! The Down Side of Fame

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. So what was it, New Kids on the Bocce? Or should I say FAUX New Kids on the Bocce?? Was it our musical stylings? Our smooth dance moves? Our bocce prowess? Our mad flip cup skills? Or just our good looks and sensibilities? Please tell me so I can proceed with feeling flattered instead of just pissed off that some bocce upstarts too lame to come up with their own name have stolen our intellectual property and infringed on our brand.

Consider yourselves warned: we will eventually meet on the bocce courts and will prove to you and the entire DC Bocce league that there is but one true New Kids on the Bocce (NKOTBocce). You haven't got The Right Stuff. No, that's us. You can't Hang Tough. No, we do that exclusively. But Step by Step, we're gonna get to you. And We. Will. Bring. You. Down. Oh-oh-Oh-oh-Oh.

Peroni Wants to Help Your Team Get Tan

For those of you that weren’t at last week’s captain’s meetings, we have some good news we’d like to share about a little contest, sponsored by Peroni, that the League has devised. Basically, the team that drinks the most Peroni draft this season wins a beach weekend getaway to Ocean City, Maryland. Every time your team orders a single draft of Peroni, 1 ticket for your team gets tossed into a pot behind the bar. If you order a pitcher of Peroni, your team gets 5 tickets thrown into the pot. At the end of the season, we’ll tally up the tickets, and whichever team has the most tickets wins the trip! The Grand Prize includes:

• 2-night, 2-room stay in Ocean City, MD
• Special sponsor gifts for the trip
• $100 gift certificate to Seacrets

PLUS, after week 4 we’ll pick a ticket at random out of the Peroni pot for a chance to win a $200 gift certificate to Vapiano’s at 18^th and M Streets, NW. And you don’t have to play just on bocce nights – you can accumulate tickets for your team any day of the week when you order Peroni drafts at the Pour House.

To get you off to the right start, we’re going to have a little competition of our own. Name the contest and we’ll toss 5 team tickets into the pot. Post your entries in the comments section along with your team name and we'll choose the best one before Week 2 – looking forward to hearing all your awesome ideas!

Salute!

Don't Pee in the Woods, Pee in the River

Welcome to the 2008 Summer Season! We all love bocce, really, but we love each other as well, so the Commishes put their heads together and figured out a way for us to spend one more beer-logged, sun drenched, outdoor adventure together . . . . TUBING!!!!!!!!!

I offer this blog as a guide to newbies and novices of tubing, as well as a reminder to experienced floaters.

Important Facts:
1. We will leave without you if you are late arriving or late getting off the river, so don't do that.
2. Do not miss the opportunity to have a breakfast cocktail. . . on the bus. Bring your preferred bevies or enjoy the League's Sponsors' gifts.
3. Bring a hard cooler -- to hold LOTS OF WATER -- we do NOT recommend drinking from the Shenandoah, as both we, as well as a few hundred other townies will be relieving themselves in the river.
4. Bring a rope -- to tie up the hotties you pilage from your rival river pirates -- or to tie yourself to your cooler and friends
5. Bring Sunscreen -- We will send you to the nearest medical facility in WEST VIRGINIA before we will bring your leathery, sun-sick butt back on the bus with us.
6. Wear water shoes -- These are shoes that secure to your feet, not flip-flops, sandals, or thongs (as they call them overseas). Old sneakers, or those awesome mesh shoes you can buy at Walmart are good options.
7. Cut-off jean shorts are encouraged.
8. Bring some lunch, it helps soak up whatever you are imbibing in the hot sun.
9. CANS of beer may be enjoyed on the River. They may NOT (under any circumstances) be enjoyed at the Tubing Site -- Butts Tubes, or on any solid ground along the river. I offer personal insight here. 75% of your Commishes have been caught by the Park Police and FINED for drinking tasty alcoholic beverages on dry land after tubing. DO NOT DO THIS. It will cost you money, and possibly a night in jail in WEST VIRGINIA. We do not expect you to get back on the bus sober, just please observe the no drinking while not on the river rule.
10. If you hear Banjoes, paddle faster.

Okay, with all of that to digest, there are some obviously great reasons to go tubing. These mostly involve reasonably responsible, adult-type people, imbibing too much and making great decisions. As a veteran of the tubing bus trip, some highlights, in addition to getting caught drinking by the park police include, the bus trip member who got lucky on the river, and forgot to tell his friends he was getting a ride back with his new hottie friend. There are great opportunities to meet people, if you stop to jump off of some rocks; great chances to check out your bocce crush in a bathing suit; plenty of "I want to Piss on You" jokes.

I can't wait to see everyone out on the river in their jean shorts, watershoes, and sexy-hot bathing suits, with fashionable matching coozies!

Get to know your Destroyers!

Team Not a Good Name, circa Spring 2008

The American Association for the Advancement of Science (AAAS) is the world's largest scientific organization, and not coincidentally, the DC Bocce League's largest supplier of scientist/bocce player hybrids. In fact, during the Spring season, ten AAAS Science and Technology Policy Fellowship representatives competed in Bocce league play. Due to some administrative confusion, the team's name evolved during the course of the year; we were officially listed as Not a Good Name but alternatively known as "Team AAAS", "The Team of Destiny", or "Team Fancy Pants". A number of peer-reviewed studies have demonstrated that the only reason we lost the Best Team Name competition is because all of our names were so creative that the votes were dispersed equally among them.

For those of you wrapping up your off-season scouting, feel free to browse through the weekly ups and downs of our inaugural Spring bocce season (in reverse chronological order), which have been documented on our companion blog. All of our secrets gift-wrapped to you. That's confidence.

This off-season, as word of our dynasty spread throughout the scientific community, we sensed a growing demand to join Not a Good Name/Team AAAS/The Team of Destiny/Team Fancy Pants. To accommodate this popularity, we have opted to split our team into two separate but equal forces (below), setting the stage for an ultimate showdown between the two spin-offs.

We'll see you on the courts (grass)!

Summer 2008 Spin-Offs

The Greatest and Best Team in the World	Destiny's Pants
The Beast	Dr. Clutch
The Captain	The Enforcer
The Eye	The Missyle
Jennufine	Mr. Awesome
Individual #1	Individual #1
Individual #2

Beware the Day after the Ides of Junius

Friends, Commissioners, Boccsters, let me have your attention. I’ve written here to bury Blazing Sweetness; not to praise it. Please let us refrain from using “honorable” so not to incur further wrath, even though the assailant’s intentions were only that. Was it not true that Blazing Sweetness was too ambitious? It was Blazing Sweetness’ grievous fault for which it answered grievously.

The fire that leered from Blazing Sweetness’ eyes could burn a thousand parks and had to be quelled. No team should believe their flair is infallible. No team should believe they are the sole heir to Nationals tickets. No team should believe that that team name was that witty. Given the opportunity to adorn a crown again, Blazing Sweetness would not hesitate. But try to remember only a few blocks North stands the physical constructs of a righteous fundamental realized; its very foundation erected against the Crown. No team should feel they are bigger than Capital South; let alone DC Bocce.

We hold it that: “DC Bocce was created to promote bocce” and not the agenda of a singular team. For that reason, my agenda was clear and for that agenda Blazing Sweetness had to be disbanded. Reader, do not feel too discontented and, certainly, do not be resolute on your protagonist. Is the tragic Blazing Sweetness a genuine hero? Can I truly be blamed as the villain? It was my blood that forged a team and therefore tasked to me to draw its blood. Repugnant depictions have me plunging knife into back. Despite, I assure you it wasn’t so treacherous or so insincere. My thrust was sweet and my intentions were compassionate.

Consider it my penance to write of the team’s peril with hands still stained red. Also consider it an opportunity to embrace two new teams: Et tu, Bocce and Veni Vidi Bocce. Through inflicted wound comes a virtuous and brave future. My heart is in the coffin there with Blazing Sweetness. And I alone will pause till it comes back to me. I, however, ask of you to pause on judgment. Grieve the truly injured. Pursue the truly criminal. Celebrate the new Summer 2008 Bocce Season.

Also I totally hooked with this chick on another team and it was fantastic.

The Greatest and Best Team in the World: A Prologue

Steel blue: the color of inevitability.

There may be new uniforms. There may be new faces. There may be a new team name. But the familiar cast of characters is back: The Beast, The Captain, The Eye, Jennufine, and two other individuals with nicknames that have not passed our rigorous nickname-vetting process. Together, we will combine an impressive array of hand-eye coordination, agility, and questionable measurements to dominate the summer DC Bocce League. Together, we will forge a unity of friendship and loyalty so strong that we can overcome any obstacle, including those two happy fun dogs that are always running through the field of play. Together, we cannot be stopped.

By our powers combined, we are The Greatest and Best Team in the World! (Note: the combining of our powers has, on occasion, given rise to a flying environmental advocate with blue skin, a green mullet, a wry sense of humor, and the ability to summon any super-power necessitated by his current predicament. We reserve the right to open a roster spot for such an individual.)

It is going to happen. There is nothing you can do about it.

On Tuesday, July 22nd, the games begin...

Summer Party this Tuesday

With no official Pre-season Happy Hour for the Summer 2008 season, our friends at Miller Brewing Company have graciously extended a League-wide invitation to their Summer Fest this Tuesday, July 8th, at Local 16 (1602 U St, NW). The event goes from 6pm-10pm and is sponsored by Local 16 and Leinenkugel's Sunset Wheat Beer (delicious by the way). It's a different location for us at DC Bocce, but with complimentary BBQ and beer it's sure to surpass expectations. For full details check out the party invitation here. We look forward to seeing all your new and familiar faces tomorrow!

The Name Game

Here is the official unofficial list of team names for the upcoming Summer 20008 Season. We're looking forward to another great season!

Tuesday Night

419 Allstars 6 Cone Set Aint no bocce like a west coast bocce Balls Deep Balls to the Wall Bocce All Night Long Bocce Babes Bocce Ballers Bocce Burlesque boccelism Boutros Boutros-Bocce Bruce Bocce Mustache Club Deep Rollers Destinys Pants Domo Arigocce Mr. Robocce Don’t Stop Bocce Lieving Drinkey Bocce Et tu, Bocce Fibobocce Sequence Full Snip Garbage Plates Heart Shortalones Glo-Ball Warming Hands off My Pallina Hooters, Hookers & Blow Horizontal Bump

I thought we signed up for kickball Invasion of the Bocce Snatchers Irritable Bocce Syndrome Its About How You Bocce Joanie Loves Bocce Looking to Score Matt Damons Balls New Kids on the Bocc Obamas Bocce Momma Pallinas in My Pants SE Jerome and the Tube Socks Snakes on a Pallina Spacebonk, Inc. Strictly Bocce Sweet Italian Balls Thats How We Roll The DC Clap The Greatest and Best Team in the World The Yaks There Will Be Bocce Tuesday Night Lights Veni Vidi Bocce We dont give names we take em

Wednesday Night

8 Chicks 4 Balls Balling The Jack Balls Balls of Furry Balls to the Wall Big Bocce Bitchslap Blame It on the Bocce Nova Bocce 5-0 Bocce Kings Bocce Sera Chewbocce Creepy Uncle Bocce Dont Bocce with Strangers Driveway Balls Drunk Monkeys Eager Heavers Erin Go Bocce Escalator Temporarily Stairs Everybocces Workin for the Weekend Flight of the Bocce History is not our business If you want my bocce Im Bringing Bocce Back It Stings When I Bocce John McBocce Korth by Korthwest Leave the Bocce, Take the Cannoli Leviticus Legion

Lifes a Be-occe Luca Bocce & The Sleeping Fishes Never Been Bocced NKOTBocce Nobody puts Bocce in the corner Obviously Not Golfers One Bocce, One Scotch, One Beer Pallina With Myself Perfect Strangers Priapism Shmiapism R Kellys Trapped on the Bocce Court Rancho Carne Torros Scarbocce Sempre Bocce! sweaty laser pasta tree cows Tap That There Will Be Bocce Ticklebritches veni vidi bocce Waxin Asses & Playin Bocce